eddie_ferrero Twitter Profile
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: boss: whatcha lookin at there-
me: [frantically closing my google search for "is there a cheeseburglar?"] just porn haha
: Judge: how do you justify your case for Double Jeopardy?
Murderer: he was dead inside when i killed him.
Judge: how could y…
: [FIRST DATE]
HER: My last boyfriend hated my parents.
ME, trying to impress: *fucks her parents*
: [FIRST DATE]
HER: My last boyfriend hated farts.
ME, trying to impress: (shits pants)
: DR: I have bad news. Please take a seat
"What is it doc?"
DR: It's a chair, you sit in it [yelling] GUYS THIS PATIENT'S NE…
: FRIEND: what's new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
ME: yeah [holding back tea…
: [CEMETERY - DAWN]
A flesh-torn hand shoots out of the ground. It sees its shadow and scurries back down its hole.
: [SPORTING EVENT - DAYTIME]
ME: Can you see me?
FRIEND: No. There's like fifteen thousand people here.
ME: Yeah, but I…
: ME: (kicks gun out of assailant's hand, then stomps on their face)
OTHER FRIEND: He knows this is Laser…
: I don’t go to sporting events anymore because I am invariably hit in the head by the event ball/puck every time. I have been co…
: wearing a mask: fill the bag!!
bank teller: what?
sliding her an airsick bag: i said fill it!!
: HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo...
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
: Guide: This is Michelangelo's David
Man: [Whispers to wife] His penis is tiny!
Guide: Get your hand out of my pants
: teacher: we found drugs in your son's school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it's worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should'v…
: [Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
: ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You're not g…
: HARRY POTTER: *wobbling pencil so it looks like rubber*
HAGRID: *wide-eyed* you’re a wizard, Harry
: I single-handedly ushered in an age of perpetual World Peace and all I got was this lousy Nobel Prize
: “Damn, girl. If you walked into an airplane propeller, I’d fuck what’s left of your brains out in your hospital bed.”…
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